most of the time it kills me when you're not there. when I've done well. When it's my birthday. When I get into accidents. When it's YOUR birthday. When it's days like today. I can't share it with you. No hugs or kisses from you. Not your touch, your smile, or your voice. Nothing. I've stopped trying to imagine what you would say to me, because it feels too much like i'm just trying to fool myself.
gone were the days when jie and i would wake up in the middle of the night on this occasion to decorate the house, and pluck flowers and make you breakfast in bed. I remember during one of those years, I wanted to surprise you but jie was growing up and thought i was childish,and she didn't want to get up. I got so furious, we fought so loudly that we woke you up. I remember that year, we gave you a new phonebook because your old one was falling apart. I've never thought that i would dread this celebration, and i dread it more and more every year.
If things were different, we'd be spending our time doing something fun today. And not me home alone, trying to piece not just memories of you, but myself together. I'd have made a new memory today. Instead,all that's left are the haunts of your heavy breathing, how you thirsted and kept asking for a drink, yet we couldn't give it to you because it would only kill you faster. how you just slipped in and out of conciousness. How you grabbed me so tightly the night before and kept calling my name. Did you hear me then? I kept telling you that I'm here,but you kept calling my name. How you finally nod off in your last breath, still unconcious. I was there, on your bed. I saw it happen. I remember screaming and running out to get the family. I remember loathing the people who touched you and had to put make up on you.
I should be grateful that i did get to spend one last mothers' day with you. At that time, part of me didn't dare grasp that it was one last mothers' day. I should be grateful that you were concious one last time to eat that slice of fruit cake with us, or just the fruits that were on top of the cake. But i just get so..so furious that..
People tell me that you're smiling down from heaven, but sometimes, it's too hard to picture. Is it that perfect? What would you look like? Would you sound the same? Would your arms feel the same?
I've missed you. And i miss you so, so much.
I'm sorry that i didn't visit you. I just can't yet.
